


And here you are, living, despite it all

by Everyskyisblue



Series: Tender and tough [1]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bipolar Disorder, Car Accidents, Chronic Illness, Depression, Disability, Fluff, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Mania, Manic Episode, Mental Health Issues, Physical Disability, Physical Therapy, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:20:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23817538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everyskyisblue/pseuds/Everyskyisblue
Summary: Even being kind and Isak being stubborn, nothing new - except that in this verse they meet at a physical therapy clinic.
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim & Isak Valtersen, Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Series: Tender and tough [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1757368
Comments: 38
Kudos: 271





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not a physiotherapist myself, this idea just popped into my head randomly. So please forgive any mistakes related to physical therapy. Just like, I imagine in real life, a physio couldn’t just jump into an exercise routine with another physio’s patient, without knowing their medical history and the details of their injury. I’ve tried to keep this as real as possible by researching PT a lot but, for the sake of this story, please ignore any mistakes or inconsistencies.  
> Also, I honestly wrote this in just a few days so hopefully there aren’t too many mistakes and it’s not too boring. I haven’t written anything in ages! So this felt really, really good. All the chapters are written already so I'll be updating every few days.  
> Anyway, hope you enjoy it! <3

There were still a few minutes left until the end of his break, maybe he could manage to grab a cup of coffee before seeing his next patient, Even thought. And if he was lucky, he would get that amazing grilled veggie sandwich, too. It was still early afternoon, maybe he would beat Marte to it this time; he couldn't believe she always managed to snatch the last sandwich just before he got to the cafeteria.

Just as he was about to turn the corner, he heard something crash, followed by a muttered curse word. Even stopped and turned towards the workout room, where he thought the noise came from.

 _That's strange, I was sure no one had a patient booked in until later today_ , he thought as he neared the closed door. The sight that greeted him when he opened the door was not a surprise. There was a young man (a boy?) lying on the floor, clutching his leg and gasping, obviously having fallen while using the parallel bars.

 _There goes my sandwich again_ , he couldn't help but think with a little twinge of regret, before he rushed over to help.

“So I’m guessing you’re new here, huh?” Even asked the boy. (He quickly decided calling him a young man would sound silly, even in his own head. The boy was definitely younger than him or the same age, at most.)

“What’s it to you?” the boy bit back, half-angrily and definitely warily. His cold tone would have been impressive, almost adult-like ( _still a boy_ , he thought) if not for the fact that he was sprawled on the floor.

“Well, I’m a physio and I work here,” Even pointed to his name tag, “so it’s quite literally my job to make sure some kid doesn’t hurt himself, seeing as he’s decided to do exercises on his own, instead of with his therapist,” he finished by looking at him pointedly, eyebrows raised.

Said kid visibly flushed and dropped his gaze to the floor.

“What’s your name?” Even asked. He could tell by the grimace on the boy’s face that he would rather do anything else than continue being scolded. “Listen,” he started again, this time in a gentler tone of voice, “you’re not in trouble. Although I’ll probably need to talk to your physio about it.” He made sure that it came out as a light joke instead of a threat. The boy’s lip quirked into a small smile so he continued. “For now I just want to make sure you’re alright and get you back to your room, okay? So will you tell me your name?”

“I’m Isak,” the boy said after a short while, almost as if making a decision by divulging that information.

“Alright, Isak, are you in any pain?”

“Ah, it’s just… my leg,” Isak said, pointing to his left leg.

“Okay, where does it hurt?” Even asked, leaning towards Isak’s leg to examine it carefully.

When Isak didn’t reply, Even looked up and noticed that the boy’s teeth were clenched tightly and his brow furrowed.

“Can you walk?”

Again, Even was met with silence. He sighed inwardly and schooled his own facial expression into what he hoped was a calm and patient one.

“Alright,” Even said, bending down and putting Isak’s arm around his own shoulders, “hold onto me, okay?” He then stood up slowly, supporting Isak and putting most of the boy’s weight on his own body. “Try not to put any weight on that leg, okay?”

“Mhm,” was all that Isak said in reply, visibly straining to stand on his uninjured leg. They slowly hopped towards where Isak left his crutches leaning against the wall next to the bars.

“So, parallel bars, huh?” Even asked.

“Huh?”

“That’s what these are called. They are literally bars that are parallel to each other,” Even teased lightly.

“I knew that!” Isak exclaimed, puffing out his chest.

Even chuckled quietly at the reaction. “First week here?” he asked.

“More like first day,” Isak said in reply.

Even’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “And you’re already trying to do extra exercise? How long has it been since you’ve been cleared for physiotherapy, anyway?”

Isak stopped hopping and tried to reach for his crutches. Even slowly let go of his arm so Isak could put most of his weight on the crutches instead. He took his time trying to arrange his arms into a comfortable grip. Even suspected he was simply avoiding the question.

“So,” Even started again, “which room is yours?”

“212,” Isak replied.

“That’s pretty far. How did you manage to get here without anyone noticing you? Geir usually watches the patients very carefully.”

“The nurse? He wasn’t there, some woman was sitting at the nurses’ station. I told her I had to go to the bathroom and she let me, so…” Isak tensed slightly, quickly glancing over at Even to check his reaction.

“Ah, that must have been Marte. She’s a sweetheart,” Even said. _Except for when she steals my favorite sandwich._

Isak remained quiet for the rest of the way to his room. Even noticed that Isak apparently didn’t enjoy talking about himself but wasn’t particularly opposed to talking in general, so Even started filling the silence with short stories and anecdotes about the physiotherapy center. He figured Isak might appreciate knowing a bit more about the place he had come to barely a few days ago.

He told him about Marte, a nurse and a very good friend of his. He skipped the part about the sandwich battle which they had going on, instead telling him about Anders who worked at the cafeteria and made amazing coffee (and sandwiches, obviously). He pointed out that the average age of their patients was between 25 and 40 years old. They usually came here right after an accident or an illness flare-up, got the help they needed, and later showed up for follow-up appointments from time to time. There weren’t many patients who required a longer stay. Some did come back, usually due to recurring problems or because they didn’t stick to the home exercises which they had been assigned. The elderly patients who needed physiotherapy were directed elsewhere, to other specialized centers.

“But there are also younger people staying here, some of them are below 20, so closer to your age,” Even added. Isak just nodded, not correcting him about his age. “Well, it looks like we’re here.”

Isak looked up at the numer 212 on the door. “Yup.” He fumbled with the door handle, trying to get it to open while also gripping his crutch. Even carefully reached his arm around Isak and opened the door for him.

“Thanks,” Isak mumbled and slowly hopped into his room. As he was settling on his bed, Even stood in the doorway, observing him.

“Do you need any help?” He started to walk further into the room but Isak’s voice stopped him.

“No.” His tone was firm and cold, just like in the workout room. He obviously didn’t want to be helped so Even backed out. “Don’t you have anywhere you need to be?”

Even glanced at his wrist watch. It was 14:12, twelve minutes past the start of his next appointment. “Oh shit, yeah, I’m late for a session with one of my patients,” he said. “Well, don’t let me catch you in the workout room by yourself again, alright?” He tried going for light and funny but also strict and professional. Instead, it just made him sound dorky and unsure. Judging by the look on Isak’s face, that was exactly what he thought as well.

_Great, humiliate myself in front of a teenage patient, why not._

He left the door slightly open and rushed to see his next patient. To avoid any more embarrassment, Even started to run only once he was sure Isak couldn’t see or hear him from his room.

___________________________

The next time Even saw Isak was in the workout room but, this time, in the company of his physio. He growled a bit on the inside when he saw that Isak’s PT was Kari. It wasn’t that he disliked her, not really. He just didn’t understand why she decided to be a physiotherapist if she couldn’t spend the sessions actually focused on her patients. Right now she was chatting with another therapist while absent-mindedly glancing at Isak once in a while. Isak, who was obviously straining to do his exercises by himself and looking very close to falling down.

As his own session with Jon was almost done and he had gotten to know Jon well enough to feel comfortable leaving him by himself for the last few moments, he assigned him one last exercise and approached Kari.

“Hi there,” Even said with a forced smile. “Kari, Silje.”

“Hey, Even,” they both replied, forced to pause their conversation.

“How is Isak doing?” Even asked, letting the curiosity be heard in his voice.

“Hm?” Kari took a moment to realize who he was talking about. “Oh yeah, he’s fine. Good.”

Even felt something ugly rise in him at her disinterested tone. “Yeah? Well, I’ve just finished my session with Jon, would you mind if I helped Isak for a bit? It looks to me like he might need some assistance.” He tried to say it politely, he really did, but it probably came out with a bit of an edge to it anyway.

He saw Kari finally turn around and actually look at Isak who, by then, was sitting down on the floor and leaning against a wall, panting heavily. Before Kari had the chance to say anything, Even already strode over to where Isak was sitting and slid down the wall right next to him.

Isak stared at him, looking somewhat bewildered.

“Fancy seeing you again,” Even said cheerfully.

Isak just raised one eyebrow at him. “Hi.”

“Not in the mood to chat?” Even asked, feigning surprise.

“Don’t you have patients of your own who you could bother?”

“Ouch!” Even put a hand over his heart, pretending to clutch at his chest in pain. “Why so mean?”

Isak rolled his eyes and sighed exasperatedly. “Why so dramatic?”

Even started laughing, surprised that Isak finally gave in to his teasing and teased back. Isak, in turn, seemed to blush a bit at Even’s genuine reaction.

“So, how are the exercises going?” Even asked.

“Great,” Isak replied in a flat tone.

“Great? So you’ve got it under control? Don’t need any help?” Even continued to tease, seeing as it seemed to work as a rather great communication tool with Isak.

“Nope, I got it,” Isak said, slowly getting up, using the wall as support and putting all of his weight on his good leg. “See?” Of course then he wobbled slightly but quickly managed to regain his balance. They both chuckled at this.

“Alright, show me then,” Even rose his eyebrows expectantly.

Isak took a deep breath and lied down on the matt carefully. Then he started doing simple leg raises with his injured leg. Even observed the movement, making sure Isak didn’t push himself too hard. His upper leg muscles seemed to be working fine, although they were already straining slightly under the weight of the leg.

“Can you bend your knee?”

Isak put his leg down on the matt. “It hurts when I move it,” he admitted.

“Okay, let’s try something else. Can you just lie on your back for me?” Even asked, kneeling next to Isak’s legs. “I’m going to slowly bend your knee, so tell me when it hurts, alright?”

Isak nodded at him and took a deep breath, readying himself.

“Don’t worry,” Even said in what he hoped was a reassuring voice, “I’ll go slowly and stop when you tell me to. I just want to test your range of motion, okay?”

“Mhm,” Isak murmured.

“Okay, here we go,” Even carefully touched Isak’s left calf and began to move it upwards, bending the knee only slightly.

“Ow, ow, stop, please stop,” Isak almost immediately started wincing in pain and breathing more heavily.

Even gently put his calf back on the matt. “Shh, you’re alright, you’re fine.” He repeated this a few more times, grabbing Isak’s good leg and massaging it lightly, to give him a sensation other than pain to focus on. After a few moments, Isak’s breathing returned to normal.

“Alright?” Even asked softly. Isak nodded, raising his gaze to look him in the eyes. Even realized that Isak never looked at him so directly before. I made something inside of him squirm a little.

“Thanks,” Isak said. “For stopping.”

“Of course,” Even frowned at that. _Why wouldn’t I stop?_

Isak slowly pushed himself up on his elbows and moved to sit up. Now Even knew better than to offer him help. With Isak sitting more comfortably against the wall, Even asked, “so what other exercises does Kari have you doing?”

When Isak started listing and describing the exercises, Even noticed that some of them would probably end up putting even more strain on Isak’s already injured and painful knee.

“Does Kari know that your knee is hurting this much?” Even asked in a serious tone. It obviously made Isak realize that it was indeed a serious matter, as he lowered his gaze to the floor again. He picked at the fabric of his sports shorts.

“She never asked,” Isak said in response and shrugged his shoulders.

Even had a sudden and vivid thought of Kari’s head catching fire and exploding but he dismissed it quickly.

“Listen,” Even started, “would you mind if I took a look at your file and gave Kari some suggestions? I’d hate for your knee to keep hurting this much.”

“Why are you asking me? Do you need my permission to look into my file?” Isak asked.

“Well, not exactly,” Even smiled awkwardly, “I just noticed you never actually told me what happened to you. And that’s written in your file, more or less. If you don’t want people other than your physical therapist to know, I get that.”

“No, it’s not that.” Isak took a deep breath again. He seemed to be doing that a lot, steeling himself for things. “I was in an accident,” he finally said.

Even nodded at him. “Okay.”

“Car accident,” Isak added, looking up from behind his eyelashes, as if judging Even’s reaction.

“Thanks for telling me, Isak,” Even said softly. He thought Isak might have blushed when he said his name. It felt foreign yet familiar on his tongue.

“Alright, let’s get you up then,” Even said, already starting to help Isak raise himself from the ground. He couldn’t help but feel a bit smug when Isak didn’t reject his help.

A few days later, Isak had a brace on his left knee to take some strain off of his joint and muscles. Even also made sure Kari knew the extent of Isak’s pain. He felt slightly guilty when she seemed genuinely shocked to hear that Isak had been in so much discomfort. He just hoped that she would take her work more seriously from now on and actually take his comments on Isak’s exercise routine into account.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, there are mentions of chronic illness and physical disability. If you know it might affect or trigger you, please skip when you near the part (there’s a rather clear pointer towards it in the text). I've also updated the tags.

“Hey, man!” Jonas hugged Isak almost immediately as he entered the cafeteria. “You’re not looking too bad!”

“Wow, thanks, Jonas,” Isak said, pretending to take offense. “You look as ugly as always. No idea how Eva still puts up with you,” Isak smirked at him.

“Ah, honest as always,” Jonas smiled widely. “But honestly, it’s good to finally see you. How’s the leg?”

The content, relaxed expression on Isak’s face disappeared almost immediately at that.

“Not too bad,” he said shortly.

“So, pretty bad then?” Jonas kept looking at Isak, knowing he was right. After all, he knew Isak a bit too well to fall for such a bad lie. Honestly, Isak didn’t even try very hard to pretend that he was fine but he also didn’t want to talk about it. So he just shrugged.

“What do you feel like having for lunch?” Jonas asked and Isak was so glad he had changed the topic. He knew he wasn’t off the hook just yet but at least he didn’t have to explain anything to Jonas right now. Which was great since he had no idea what to say.

“I had the fish cakes yesterday, they weren’t too bad.”

“Ooh, what about the grilled veggie sandwich?”

“Ugh, no, no way. Why do you always have to pick something healthy?”

“Because you won’t.” Jonas picked up the sandwich while looking straight at Isak, a smug expression on his face.

After they both got their food, they found a table nearby, Jonas carrying both his and Isak’s lunch. Isak tried to hide his wince as he was sitting down and soon exhaled with relief, putting his crutches against the wall. Thankfully, Jonas didn’t make a comment.

“So, any hot chicks around here?” Jonas asked.

Isak just raised one eyebrow at him. Honestly, why was he still surprised that was one of the first things Jonas thought to ask.

“You’re spending too much time with Magnus, man,” he said in reply.

Jonas just laughed. “Yeah, probably. But have you met anyone cool?”

“No, not really.” _Except for a pretty chill physio guy._

“Don’t worry, there’s still time, it’s only your first week here, right?” Jonas asked while chewing his sandwich. “This is so good, man!”

“I’m glad,” Isak replied wryly. “And yeah, I guess. We have our sessions one-on-one with our physios but there are some activities in the common area in the evenings. Maybe I’ll check it out soon.”

They both knew he probably wouldn’t.

“Did they say how long you’ll need to stay here?”

“That depends on how fast my leg heals,” Isak said. “But probably a few weeks.”

“They’re okay with that at work, right?” Jonas’ face showed obvious concern.

“Yeah, yeah. At first they just gave me a few days off, when I was still… at the hospital,” Isak mumbled the last part uncomfortably, “and after that, when we talked, they called it an extended sick leave. So it’s all good I guess.”

“Cool, cool,” Jonas said, nodding his head and licking his fingers. “Oh man, you should try this sandwich next time.”

“Umm, yeah, no,” Isak laughed at him.

They decided to walk to the garden before Jonas had to go. They walked slowly, Jonas pretending not to notice how Isak had to stop every few steps as he got tired rather fast. He told him about his job, how excited he was about a new story he was going to cover for an upcoming documentary film about sustainable farming. Isak has always admired Jonas’ tangible passion for social and economic issues but mostly that he wasn’t scared to show it and fight for what he believed in. Sometimes he wished he was as brave as Jonas. But mostly he tried not to think about it.

They chose a bench not too far from the entrance. After sitting down comfortably, they talked some more about Jonas’ work, his and Eva’s plans for the upcoming holidays (Isak tried not to get too jealous at that), and what the boys have been up to in the last few weeks.

“I can’t believe she still hasn’t dumped Magnus. He’s so desperate!” Jonas was laughing as he finished telling the story of how Magnus and his new girlfriend Anne have been together for almost a month now.

“Maybe she’s into cat costumes,” Isak said suggestively. They both went quiet for a moment before starting to laugh uncontrollably. Isak was really glad that Jonas had decided to visit him.

___________________________

Isak was lying on his bed, reading an article on his laptop about different forms of physical therapy and their uses, when there was a knock on the door. Not too long after that, a mop of hair appeared in the doorway, then a wide smile.

“Hi there!” Even said to him brightly.

“Hey?” Isak replied uncertainly. “Are you my physio today or…?”

“What?” Even looked surprised, then he glanced at his watch. “Oh, no. There’s still time until your afternoon appointment with Kari. I’m not here for that.”

“Okay?” Isak frowned at him.

If possible, Even smiled even wider. “I feel like going to the garden. Don’t you?”

“Um, not particularly, no.”

“Oh come on, I saw you decided to spend some time outside yesterday. And you didn’t look too unhappy about it.” Even then proceeded to make a facial expression that was probably supposed to resemble a wink but he failed miserably, instead looking like he had a twitching eye.

“So you were watching me?” Isak decided to tease him a bit.

Predictably, Even blushed a bit.

“It’s good for you to be outside, even for a little while every day,” Even continued. “What do you say?”

And that’s how they ended up sitting together at a garden bench. Even told him bits and pieces about the patients who were also outside.

“See that guy over there? That’s Albert, he fell while horse-riding. Hurt his back pretty badly.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah,” Even nodded.

“What about her, in the purple dress?” Isak gestured towards a girl who seemed relatively young compared to most patients.

“Ah,” Even said quietly. “That’s Elsa. She… It’s not a pretty story, are you sure you want to hear it?” Even asked, his face kind and voice gentle.

“I can handle it,” Isak lifted his chin up slightly.

“Well, she first got here when she was seventeen. Then when she was nineteen, just before the end of her last year of high school. We saw her again about half a year after that. And now she’s back again, at twenty-one. She has rheumatoid arthritis, it’s pretty rare at her age. It’s an autoimmune disease, it affects her joints so she has trouble walking but also just… moving around in general, especially when it flares up. Like right now. That’s why she’s in therapy at the moment, to get stronger and also to help her with the pain.”

Isak blinked a few times. “Wow, that’s… That fucking sucks.”

Even laughed lightly. “Yeah, it does, it really does. But she’s brave and a fighter, too. And all of us here are supporting her.”

“That must be amazing, to have that sort of support,” Isak said, his tone sounding a bit off, forced.

“How’s your brace?” Even asked.

“It’s good, actually,” Isak replied honestly. “It helps in between my sessions, it really does hurt less when I have it on.”

“Good,” Even smiled at that. “I’m glad to hear that.”

“Thanks for, you know…” Isak fumbled with his words, not sure how to properly thank someone who he barely knew. Or how to actually let himself be genuine and honest.

“Don’t mention it. It’s literally my job,” Even just continued looking at him, “and I hate to see anyone in pain, whether they’re my patient or not.”

Since Isak wasn’t sure how to show his gratitude with words, he gave him a smile instead. Even looked a bit shocked but quickly covered it up by starting to tell Isak about a patient of his, Jon, who was a kindergarten teacher and always had hilarious stories to share.

Even began showing up at Isak’s door almost every day in the early afternoon, if he didn’t have any patients scheduled.

“Spending time outside everyday is a great and healthy habit to develop,” he would say when Isak asked him whether he didn’t have anything better to do with his free time.

And so they spent time in the garden, sometimes eating their cafeteria-bought lunch there. Other times, Even would bring food from home and offer to share it with Isak. At first Isak refused, feeling almost embarrassed to take some of Even’s meals and snacks, but he learned that was just who Even was as a person - fundamentally kind and caring. So sharing food slowly stopped being a big deal to Isak. Sometimes he even made sure to grab something extra for Even to eat, when he was at the cafeteria.

The smile that Even gave him when Isak handed him a sandwich one day was so genuinely happy, it made him flush with pride and another slightly uncomfortable sensation he couldn’t quite name.

Somehow they ended up talking about when they used to be students at university. Apparently, Even had finished a year of film school before he decided to completely change his major and applied to OsloMet to study physiotherapy instead.

“When I was staying at a hospital in my first year of film school, I met this amazing PT there. At first I wanted to make a movie about her, you know?” Even laughed a bit at that, as if embarrassed with the idea. “But near the end of my first year, I realized it wasn’t enough. I could be helping more people by actually being a physio myself, just like she was, instead of just making films.”

Isak frowned and asked tentatively, “Didn’t you say before that you were really passionate about movies, though?”

Even just smiled at him a bit sadly and shrugged. He run a hand through his hair before he started speaking again. “I guess, yeah. And I still make films in my spare time, not as much as I would have while in film school, obviously. But now there’s less pressure to create something for a good grade or according to some arbitrary guidelines a professor wants us to follow, you know? Instead, I can create something that really resonates with me and I can do it on my own terms.”

Even looked into the distance as he spoke. Isak couldn’t help but stare at him.

“My movies are probably not as good as they could have been if I had stayed in film school though, at least technically,” Even laughed.

“I’m sure they’re great,” Isak felt like he had to jump to his defense, amazed that someone as passionate and creative as Even didn’t believe in himself. Then he promptly blushed as he realized he hasn’t even seen any of his movies.

“Thanks, Isak.” The smile that Even gave him was big and genuine. “So… your turn?” Even asked, eyebrows raised in what seemed like a challenge.

“Ugh,” Isak grunted in response. “Okay. What do you want to know?”

Even looked like he was seriously considering the best question to ask. “What did you want to be when you grew up?” he finally asked.

“Really?” Isak said. “That’s your first question?”

“Yes!” Even beamed at him.

“Alright. I guess I wanted to be a biologist.”

“Wow, really? That’s so interesting!” If it came from anyone else but Even, Isak would have rolled his eyes at them, thinking it was just something any nice person might say in response. But Even seemed genuinely interested and was looking at him expectantly, like he actually wanted to hear more.

“Yeah, I’ve always wondered about how things were created, especially organisms, not only humans. What they are made of, how it all works.”

“We could have gone to the same school if you studied biology,” Even said with a smile, trying to ask a question without being obvious about it. Which he was.

“Ah, but I didn’t. Study biology, I mean,” Isak gave Even a small smile back. It wasn’t very forced but it was a bit sad.

“What did you study then?”

Isak just sighed and look at him, “Business. It seemed like a good idea at the time. My university program wasn’t too difficult and it was actually quite interesting. Not as interesting as biology would have been, true, but it was definitely a… safer option at the time.”

Even just made a “hmm” sound.

“ _Hmm_? What’s with that?” Isak asked.

“No, nothing. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for your future. Make a sensible, adult decision. I get that.” There were a lot of slightly sad smiles exchanged between them today. “So what are you going back to once you’re healed?”

“Back to my apartment that I share with two friends. Back to my office job,” he did roll his eyes at that, “which isn’t too bad, just not very exciting. I work in IT right now. I did some courses after graduation and… here I am,” Isak laughed in the saddest way possible. _Oh great, now he’s going to think I’m starting a pity party._

“Are you going to stay there then?” Even asked.

“Well… I mean, I have thought about changing my job. I just wouldn’t know where to start, what to look for. I’m not sure what I’d actually like to do instead. So far it’s been good, I mean, it’s a secure and stable job.” Isak probably sounded like he was defending his decision, even though in reality he wasn’t too sure about _why_ he was so defensive.

“There’s nothing wrong with secure and stable,” Even said kindly.

_Except that it’s absolutely boring_ , Isak thought.

“What about you?” Isak asked. “Are you happy with where you are and what you’re doing?” It seemed like a bit of a heavy question but here they were, talking about “meaningful things” in their lives, so why not just go with it, right?

“Yeah,” Even lit up immediately, making Isak feel so many conflicting things at once. He was both happy for him as well as jealous of his happiness. He loved how Even’s passion was almost tangible, like you could feel it in the air surrounding him. But at the same time, he wished he knew what his own passion was, so he couldn’t help but feel a bit bitter.

“I honestly didn’t expect to enjoy this job so much. But I really like my colleagues, well, most of them,” Even laughed sheepishly. “And working with so many different patients is great, too. It’s really rewarding to see them get stronger and more resilient, and to finally recover, you know? I love being able to be a part of that.”

“That really is great,” Isak said with a genuine smile. _I wish I could be more like you._

Later that day, Isak continued reading about PT. He searched for more information specifically on knee and calf injuries. His need to know how everything worked only grew, the longer he stayed here, so he finally decided to get up close and personal with his injury.

As he reached for his notebook to write some things down, a piece of paper fell out of it and landed on the floor.

“Well, fuck.” He looked at the note, as if willing it to move closer with just his gaze. After a moment, he sighed and moved around awkwardly to reach down to the floor and grab the paper. As he sat up, he finally got a closer look at it.

It was a drawing of… him. There was a boy with a hoodie and unmistakable curls. In the drawing, he was wearing a lab coat over the hoodie, looking into a microscope and smiling. At the top of the page it said “ISAK THE BIOLOGIST”. The real Isak smiled widely at that and couldn’t keep the smile off his face even later, as he was falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t have any personal experience with the particular type of chronic illness that I’ve mentioned in this chapter. All I know about it is what I’ve read so please correct me if anything is depicted wrong or described in a way that might be hurtful or insensitive. I do have experience with another type of a chronic illness though, which is why I sort of gave myself permission to include that sort of a health issue in this fic at all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, there’s a rather clear description of a car accident. It’s not graphic or violent in any way, but if you feel you might be trigged by a detailed description like that, please skip or be careful.

A few days later, as they were walking out of the building and into the garden, Even immediately pointed towards a bench that was fully drenched in the sun.

“Let’s do some sunbathing, Isak!”

It took Isak less time than before to reach the bench, where Even was already sitting. He was getting used to his crutches and his arms got stronger as well. He carefully lowered himself to sit next to Even who had his eyes closed and face turned towards the sun. Once Isak settled on the bench, Even shifted a bit so that they were facing each other, and opened his eyes to look at Isak.

Isak couldn’t help but think that Even was beautiful. Not just hot or handsome (which he _was_ ) but beautiful in that striking and very, very cliché way. It was the way the sun made his blond hair glow, making him appear almost surreal; it was the way his eyes reflected the sunlight and twinkled a bit; it was the way the corners of his eyes crinkled when he laughed. Isak couldn’t help but notice all of that, feeling both proud for allowing himself to see it and hating himself for noticing it in the first place.

He snapped out of his thoughts when he heard Even ask him something.

“Huh?” he said ever so eloquently.

Even’s eyes really, seriously _twinkled_. “I asked, how did you like my drawing?"

Isak really desperately tried to control his blush but his face betrayed him anyway. _Traitor._

“It wasn’t too bad. I didn’t know that you could draw,” Isak replied.

“It’s just a hobby, something I like to do in my spare time,” Even shrugged, as if getting slightly shy at hearing Isak’s curious tone.

“Well, I liked it.”

“Really?” Even asked, almost as if he didn’t believe Isak could like something that he created.

“Yeah, really. I liked it a lot.” _Was the “a lot” too much?_ , Isak wondered.

Even blushed at the praise. “Thanks, Isak.”

If Isak had to conceal a sudden need to giggle at the way Even said his name, no one had to know.

Over the next couple of days, Isak received a few more drawings. They were always connected to the conversations he had with Even and they were usually funny but also hopeful. Either way, they never failed to put a smile on his face.

Isak wasn’t sure how to interpret what he was feeling and what was going on inside his head. Actually, he wasn’t too sure that he wanted to interpret or understand anything at all. He just wanted to enjoy feeling lighter and more motivated than he had been in a long time.

He began putting more effort into his exercises which didn’t go unnoticed by Kari. If she was surprised at his new-found eagerness and stamina, she didn’t comment on it, just showed him that she was pleased he was putting in the work. It definitely did help that Even was mostly present in the exercise room during his therapy. He was working with other patients but every once in a while they made eye contact. That made Isak try harder each time. For some reason, he wanted Even to see that he was improving. Judging by the smiles Even was directing at him, he definitely noticed Isak’s efforts.

They continued to meet up for lunch practically everyday now. Even usually came to his room to pick him up. Sometimes he had some food with him to share with Isak. This time, however, he had an entire basket.

“What’s that for?” Isak asked immediately after Even barely had set foot in his room.

“Why are you always so suspicious?” Even was already smiling widely. “It’s a picnic basket. There’s food in it.”

“Why would you bring a picnic basket?”

“Because we’re going to have a picnic, duh?” He set the basket on the bed and proceeded to ruffle Isak’s hair.

“Hey!” he shouted at Even.

“Are you afraid I’ll mess up your curls?” Even asked teasingly.

“What? No, of course not!” Isak shot back at him indignantly.

“Well, come on then.” Even took the basket and grabbed one of Isak’s hoodies which was lying on the chair next to the bed. “So you don’t get cold,” he explained.

Isak swore he felt warmer already.

“Eveeen.”

Even just laughed in response. “What, Isak?”

“How much further?”

“You already asked me that a few minutes ago,” Even said as he turned around to look at Isak, continuing to walk.

“And you said it would be only a few more minutes!”

Even laughed again, this time throwing his head back, his eyes crinkling. “It’s really close now, I swear.”

Isak fumed and continued hopping, panting heavily at this point. Even was dragging them through a field which didn’t seem to have an end. At first, Isak didn’t realize they would actually be going outside the clinic. When he asked about it, Even said it was perfectly fine as long as someone accompanied him. So Isak went along with it - or hopped, more like.

Finally, after what felt like ages, they reached a meadow. Isak stopped, even though Even continued walking towards a huge tree. It was beautiful, especially with the warm and sunny weather. There was a gentle breeze blowing, the cool air very pleasant on Isak’s warm skin.

Soon, Isak joined Even under the tree. He had already spread out the blanket on the ground and took out the food. Isak could see some fresh bread, different spreads, lettuce, cherry tomatoes and some fruit.

“What about ham? Or cheese?” Isak asked as he settled on the blanket.

“I’m vegan,” Even replied.

“Wait, really?”

Even’s laughter immediately gave him away. “No, no. But I am trying to eat less meat. And I didn’t have any cheese at home, otherwise I would bring some. I didn’t really plan this very well, it was pretty much a last minute thing. I know it’s not much but I really wanted to show you this spot.”

“Are you kidding me, Even?” Isak asked incredulously. “This is great! I mean, you brought food and a blanket. And you showed me your secret spot. Honestly, I’m honored,” Isak said with a toothy grin. “Obviously, there’s only one thing missing.”

“What?” Even shifted onto his knees on the blanket, looking at Isak with a frown on his face.

“I could really use some beer.”

Even raised his eyebrows at him and then they both burst into laughter.

“I’m just kidding, obviously. This is great. Thanks, Even, really,” Isak gave Even one of his rare smiles.

They settled comfortably on the blanket, lying next to each other. Their shoulders were almost touching. Isak was very much aware of the space between them as it seemed to be calling to him to move closer and bridge the gap between their bodies. He tried his best not to listen to it.

Even’s question snapped him out of his thoughts.

“So I hear your therapy is going well?”

“Have you been talking to Kari?” Isak raised his eyebrow.

“Maybe,” Even stuck his tongue out at him. They both laughed at how childish that was. “I’m just glad you’re doing better.”

“Yeah,” Isak said softly. “It’s going pretty well.”

Even was lying on his side now. Isak was still on his back with his head turned towards Even, now aware of the space between them more than before. Even had a way of looking at him like he was looking into his thoughts, into his soul. Isak felt both scared and incredibly excited.

As if reading his mind, Even raised his hand and touched Isak’s cheek lightly. As he caressed it, Isak couldn’t help but close his eyes a little. A few moments later, he felt Even’s breath on his face. His eyes fluttered open. Even’s eyes were right there in front of him. So were his lips. Oh, his lips. Isak couldn’t tear his gaze away from them, unconsciously wetting his own and moving closer to Even.

Finally, Even closed the distance between them by pressing his lips softly and carefully against Isak’s, giving him time to react and move away if he wanted to. But Isak didn’t want to move away; if anything, he wanted to move even closer. He tentatively put his hand on Even’s neck and brought their mouths closer together, making Even’s lips open slightly as a result. Isak used that to slip his tongue into Even’s mouth, finally tasting him and feeling so much all at once. He almost didn’t know what to do with himself. Thankfully, Even did. He moved his hand from Isak’s cheek to his jaw, opening his lips even further, his tongue joining the delicious dance.

Eventually, they had to separate to catch their breaths. Both of them were smiling against each other’s mouths, Even still pressing soft kisses all over Isak’s cheeks, jaw, eyes, and finally his forehead.

When they looked at each other, Isak blushed so hard that he had to hide his face in the blanket.

“Aww, don’t hide,” Even practically cooed at him. “I feel like a teenager again, too. I swear I’m about to giggle,” he said in a very serious tone.

“I know, right?” Isak peeked at Even from the confines of the blanket. “It’s embarrassing.”

“It’s cute,” Even said, kissing Isak’s face again. “You’re cute. And hot, so hot.” He said that with a straight face while Isak proceeded to hide his face against Even’s chest this time, only to be met with joyous laughter and Even’s long arms wrapping around his back comfortingly.

They continued lying in each other’s arms, chatting softly and snacking on fruit every once in a while.

Somehow they ended up talking about how Isak ended up at the physio center. Normally he would try to avoid the topic at all costs but the moments he had shared with Even today made him open up more easily. He felt like he could share this with him and maybe he would be that someone who finally understood what he was feeling.

“I thought the accident itself wasn’t a big deal, you know? I was crossing the street and a car just came out of nowhere and hit me. It turned out the driver was on the phone, of course,” he smiled wryly. “It wasn’t very… traumatic or anything. I didn’t fly up into the air, he didn’t hit me that hard.”

Somehow listening to Isak practically _defend_ the driver who had hit him was both painful and infuriating to Even.

“And I know this might sound awful but somehow I hoped the accident would change me, make me more… grateful to be alive, you know? Many people say that it happens to them. But it didn’t really change anything for me.”

Even didn’t say anything back, just looked at Isak thoughtfully.

"Oh my god, you must think I’m crazy to be saying shit like this. I swear, I’m not unhappy that I’m alive. I didn’t want to die. Who in their right mind would want to die, right?” Isak tried to make a joke but it fell flat.

Meanwhile, Even started to frown at him but a moment later his expression cleared again.

“It’s fine, I get what you mean,” Even said but his tone didn’t sound understanding and soft like usual, rather, it was flat and emotionless.

“It’s just that nothing is happening in my life. I don’t have any goals and my dreams are just… dreams. Never going to come true. It seems like I’m doomed to this sad existence, just living life day by day. Going through the motions. How pathetic is that?” he laughed sadly.

“I don’t think that’s pathetic at all,” Even said, his voice strong and determined. “Only you can feel what you feel. And you’re allowed to, whatever that is.”

Isak exhaled loudly and looked at Even gratefully. “Thanks.”

By the time they made their way back, it was almost evening. Thankfully, Even picked the right day for a picnic as Isak didn’t have any late afternoon appointments that day. He made sure to walk slowly so that Isak could keep up with him, but not slowly enough that they walked next to each other. Somehow, Isak ended up always being a few steps behind Even, not giving them a chance to actually walk together.

He tried not to think too much of it; maybe Even needed a moment to himself. After all, a lot had just happened and things were probably going to change between them. Isak should think about it as well but he decided to avoid it for now.

When they reached the building, the exhaustion finally hit Isak. It wasn’t very surprising since he spent a large part of the day walking to and from the meadow, and the distance wasn’t short, either. Thankfully, Even walked him back to his room. They stopped at the door.

“You must be tired, huh?” Even asked.

“Yeah,” Isak admitted. “I’m probably going to crash as soon as I get into bed.”

“Alright, I won’t keep you then. Sleep well,” Even kissed his forehead softly before turning around and slowly disappearing down the hall.

Isak watched him walk away, feeling something cold and uncomfortable settle in the pit of his stomach.

The next day, Even didn’t come to get him for lunch. He also wasn’t in the exercise room later that day. Isak didn’t see him around either.

The day after that, Isak went over to Kari to ask about Even. She didn’t seem very surprised at that. What she told him, however, did surprise him. Apparently, Even took a sick leave. She didn’t know when he would be back.

“Don’t worry, Isak, I’m sure he’ll be fine.” Somehow that failed to reassure him.

_What was wrong with him? Was he sick and Isak just never noticed? Was it serious? Was he going to be okay? Was he going to come back soon? Or… at all?_

That night, Isak barely got a couple of hours of sleep, tossing and turning all night, his head spinning, thoughts spiralling uncontrollably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven’t been in a car accident myself. I based Isak’s sadly insensitive jokes on cliche movie moments, to show how far he is from acknowledging and accepting what happened.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter mentions bipolar disorder and describes depression and (hypo)mania. If you feel you might be trigged by a detailed description of that, please skip or be careful.

“Hey, man,” Mikael said in the direction of the bed, where there was an Evan-shaped lump lying under the covers. He only got a small groan in response to his greeting, then Even’s head reappeared slowly. “Brought you some dinner.” Mikael gestured to the bowl which he then put on the bedside table. “Eat at least a few bites, alright?”

Even made a non-committal noise.

“Just a few bites. Deal?” Mikael asked again.

Even knew his friend wouldn’t give up easily so he just agreed, nodding his head. He slowly lifted himself up, dragging the covers up with him, and settling comfortably on the pillows against the wall. He then took the bowl that Mikael brought him.

“Thanks,” Even said or, rather, croaked.

“You’re welcome.” Mikael waited until Even started to eat, then he smiled at him. “So, have you thought about texting Isak?”

Even groaned and looked down, covering his face with his hands. “Mik, please let it go.” He looked at his friend pleadingly.

“What?” Mikael replied in an innocent tone. “It was you who couldn’t shut up about him a few days ago.”

“I was manic,” Even glared at him.

“So? Doesn’t mean that what you were saying was any less true.”

Even hated it when Mikael had a point.

“It’s just… I blew it, Mik. There’s no point in thinking about it anymore,” Even told him, sounding defeated.

“How can you be sure of that?”

Even just stared at him. “Listen, Isak told me a lot about himself recently and I just know that my presence in his life would only make it more complicated for him,” Even explained slowly. “It’s not easy to be with me, Mik.”

“Oh trust me, I know,” Mikael laughed, punching Even in the shoulder lightly.

“Stop joking, I’m serious.” Even didn’t raise his voice but his sad tone made Mikael nod his head in a silent apology. “I wouldn’t want to get close to him, to get his hopes up, only to disappoint him and leave him feeling… resentment and anger towards me.”

“Does he know you can read his mind, now?” Mikael asked, as if genuinely curious.

“Mik! Come on, you know I don’t want to subject anyone to all the shit that comes with my illness.”

“Oh, Even, believe me, _I know_. It’s all you ever do, stopping people from getting close to you because you’re the one who’s scared - scared for yourself, not for them. Because it’s pretty damn hard to let someone in and risk them not sticking around. It really fucking hurts to have someone leave after you just got to know each other so intimately.”

Even stayed quiet. He knew Mikael was speaking from experience, unfortunately. And that it wasn’t easy for him to talk about; he only brought it up when trying to make a point to Even. And it worked, of course it worked.

“So don’t pretend you’re doing it for him. Admit you’re just protecting yourself because you’re scared shitless.”

If it was anyone else, Even would get angry and offended, hurt even. But with Mik, it was a different story. They went through so much together, Even hardly knew how to feel angry with him. He appreciated Mik’s constant presence and support too much for that.

“When did you get so wise, hm?”

“Someone had to, since you obviously wouldn’t,” Mikael said and that way they went back to teasing each other and discussing other lighter topics. But Mikael’s point had been made and it stuck in Even’s head.

Over the next few days, Even slept a lot, like he usually did when coming out of a depressive episode. This one had been relatively mild and short, thankfully. He also never reached full-blown mania, instead recognizing his hypomania in time and getting prescribed the right medication, which soon slowed him down. And here he was, depressed, again.

The heaviness in his mind and chest was slowly starting to dissipate. Mikael’s strong presence and support definitely helped, as Even’s self-worth plummeted as usual. Knowing he had his best friend here gave him a little boost. When it came to Isak though… he still really didn’t want to think about it. The comments, the drawings, the inappropriate looks and glances, the touches, _the thoughts_. And the kiss, of course, let’s not forget the kiss. _So stupid_ , Even groaned inwardly.

One part of him almost wished that Isak would be gone by the time Even came back to work. Another part of him, though, hoped that there would still be a chance to fix whatever it was that he and Isak had. Was he being naive? Hell yes. Naive might as well be his second name at times and, at that moment, he felt like it might be the only thing that pushed him forward.

He also felt incredibly guilty as he couldn’t help but think that somehow he rushed it, that maybe Isak responded so eagerly to the teasing and jokes and suggestive comments in a purely friendly fashion. Logically, he knew he would call bullshit on this if it was a friend or anyone else telling him the story from their perspective. But in his own case, he was rarely logical. Had he pushed Isak? Was he too forward?

And there was also the matter of his illness. He didn’t mention it to Isak simply because they had barely started to get to know each other, it was too soon to burden him with something so heavy when their tentative friendship didn’t necessarily have to turn into anything more - or so Even told himself. If he was willing to really think about it, he would discover that he was just scared - of Isak rejecting him, deciding it was too much to handle. There were so many ways this could go and he could only see the negative scenarios right now.

Which was why he refused to think about it at the moment, knowing it wouldn’t do him any good to torture himself any further, and pushed it all to the back of his head, letting himself drift off to sleep.

______________________

More than a week had passed and Even didn’t come back to work. Isak went through feeling sad, confused, frustrated and just plain angry. Now he was mostly disappointed and resigned. He barely put any effort into his PT anymore. He realized that Even was what had pushed him forward, what motivated him to get better - however sad and cliché that sounded. And now he was left with the prospect of going back to his boring job and unexciting life.

Kari did her best to stay encouraging, even though he obviously didn’t even try anymore. Sometimes he showed up to his appointments just because he would have felt too guilty otherwise.

The lunches were the worst. Isak absolutely hated how quickly he had gotten used to having company and how he had to re-adjust to eating and spending most of his time alone again. He was standing in the line in the cafeteria, staring at the grilled veggie sandwich which he had found out that Even really liked. _Fuck, now even a stupid sandwich is going to make me sad?_

“I heard he’s coming back soon,” Isak heard one of the physios standing in front of him say to another guy and somehow his brain decided it was an important piece of information and the perfect moment to tune in.

“Who, Even?” Then Isak’s heart decided it might as well jump out of chest upon hearing Even’s name.

“Yeah, I heard Marte say he might be back in a few days.” The couple of PTs paid and walked away, the rest of their conversation quickly becoming unintelligible. Isak just stood there, his heart still pounding.

“Hello? What can I get you?”

Isak heard a voice apparently direct a question at him. He looked up, confused. The barista was looking at him kindly although expectantly, since there were still other people in line behind him.

“Oh, sorry,” he said, looking around him quickly. His gaze fell on that stupid sandwich. _Fuck it_ , he decided, grabbing the grilled veggie sandwich and hopping towards a nearby table after he had paid.

“What do you mean you want to stop?” Kari asked Isak for the second if not the third time.

“I mean, I’m feeling much better,” Isak explained again, trying to remain patient and not let his frustration show. “I can almost walk on my injured leg now. So there’s no point in me staying here any longer, I can easily do the exercises at home.”

Kari didn’t look convinced.

“Don’t you need empty beds or something?” Isak tried one more time.

Kari just stared at him incredulously. “Are you kidding me, Isak? No, we don’t need the beds! What we need is for _you_ to stay and finish your physical therapy.” She sighed and look at him calculatingly. “What brought this on? You’ve been very absent-minded this past week. I know the recovery process can seem slow and daunting but you’re almost there, Isak, believe me.”

Isak just made a non-committal noise, obviously _not_ believing her.

“Is it because…” Kari started, then paused, thinking about her words carefully. “Last week you were incredibly motivated, Isak. And then this week, all that motivation is just… gone. Is it because Even—“

Isak immediately interrupted her. “No.”

Kari raised her eyebrows in response. Isak rolled his eyes. They were both awful at this non-verbal communication thing, Isak thought.

“Maybe. A bit,” Isak admitted.

Kari’s gaze softened. “He’ll be fine, Isak. It’s not the first time this has happened, it just takes some time for him to get better.”

Isak just looked at her, confused.

“So don’t give up just yet, okay? How about giving it one more week?” Kari tried to be encouraging but it fell flat as Isak’s thoughts went haywire. “Isak?”

“Huh?” he snapped out of it and nodded, just to get her off his case.

“Great!” she said, smiling at him. “See you at tomorrow’s session then.”

Isak was left standing there, feeling even more confused than before. _Great._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My description of bipolar disorder is based purely on (extensive) research; however, the depression bit comes directly from me. Of course, I didn’t go as deep into it as I could have. The point wasn’t to focus on depression but to mention it in passing. And I definitely realize different people experience depression in various ways, this is just one of the (many) ways it had felt for me, personally.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so that's it, the last one! Hope you enjoy it :)
> 
> Also, a little disclaimer:  
> Brief mentions of depression and hypomania at the very beginning of the chapter. Detailed description of depression near the end of the chapter.

It has always felt incredibly strange to come back. Logically, Even knew he had been gone only for a little longer than one week but for him that week felt practically like an entire month. So to come back and see that everything was functioning just like usual was always just a bit strange, to be honest.

His first few appointments of the day felt slightly surreal but as the day went by, Even felt more grounded and like he was getting closer and closer to his routine, regaining a state of normalcy.

He spent lunch with Marte. She knew to stick by him right after he came back and he truly appreciated her for that. She also didn’t voice her surprise when he had said he’d rather spend his break inside. She knew he had always loved the garden and the outdoors in general. But in typical Marte fashion, she didn’t comment on it, instead directing them to a sunlit table at the back of the cafeteria and proceeding to tell Even about what had happened while he had been gone.

Even couldn’t help but let his thoughts drift a little as Marte talked. He was honestly surprised he hasn’t seen Isak the whole day, while he was with his patients in the exercise room, walking down the hall just after breakfast time or now, during lunch. He wasn’t sure whether Isak stuck to their routine of going out for lunch everyday. For Isak’s sake, he hoped so, the sun and the warmth could be a wonderful help in healing.

There was an extended moment of silence which brought Even back to reality and to Marte, sitting in front of him at the table, who just smirked at him.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly.

“You’ve got a lot on your mind, I get it.” Even knew she knew what he had been thinking about, probably. He had told her bits and pieces about Isak. And what he hadn’t told her, she could probably infer from the tone of his voice, the look in his eyes and his animated gestures and general enthusiasm as he talked about Isak.

Still, he felt bad for ignoring her so he made sure to ask her about her upcoming holiday plans, the book series he knew she had been reading before his hypomania and depression hit, and her dog that she loved dearly. He was so grateful for his friends and knew he didn’t always show it or tell them about it, so he decided to pay a little extra effort to that.

At the end of their lunch break, as they were walking towards the physio and nurses lounge, he saw Kari approach them. Marte just waved and went in a different direction, needing to get ready for her next appointment with a patient.

“Hey, Even,” Kari said as she got closer. “It’s good to see that you’re back,” she said with what seemed like a genuine smile. Or maybe it wasn’t, maybe Even was too tired and anxious to over-interpret her words and actions this time, or maybe he just didn’t care.

“Are you feeling a bit better?” she asked. Even guessed that most of his co-workers knew about his illness, even if he didn’t specifically mention or explain it to them (except for Marte, since they actually regularly spent time together outside of work). Of course, his boss knew; well, he had to. Even didn’t keep it a secret but also didn’t broadcast his bipolar disorder to everyone who worked or stayed at the clinic. Still, he didn’t enjoy being asked the same questions by many different people whenever he came back after being gone for a while. (This was the third time he had an episode since he had started working here almost two years ago.)

“Yeah, I’m getting there. Thanks, Kari,” he knew he had to say that because even if she annoyed him a little, she probably meant well.

“That’s great,” she said. “Listen, I don’t want to bother you right after you came back but I figured you’d want to know.”

Even frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“Well, I know that you and Isak have gotten close.” Even squirmed slightly. “It’s really great that you spend time with and take interest in patients other than your own. You know, I really admire that in you.” Even exhaled shakily, then nodded, as if agreeing with Kari. “So I guess you probably also noticed how much progress Isak has been making recently, right?” she asked.

“Definitely,” Even said.

“I really don’t want to this to come out the wrong way but… Isak’s been a bit down lately. Since you left, I think, actually,” Kari said tentatively.

“Oh,” Even replied. This was really not what he had expected her to say to him.

“At first he just didn’t put as much effort into his exercises,” she continued. “But then it really began to affect his progress, which did slow down. And more recently, he refused to do his PT altogether.”

Even’s eyes widened at that.

“You know as well as I do how important it is that he continues his exercise routine, especially as he’s getting closer to recovering. I managed to get him to agree to giving it one more week but I can’t force him to want to get better. He needs to do that on his own.”

Even could only nod, slightly speechless. He hadn’t considered the possibility of Isak disregarding his physical therapy and actually disrupting his healing process. He knew he probably shouldn’t think that but on some level he felt that it might have been connected to him being gone. He didn’t realize his presence (or lack of it) could have such a strong effect on Isak’s health and wellbeing. He almost felt sick at that thought.

He realized Kari finished talking and was looking at him expectantly.

“Thank you for telling me,” he said quietly. “Do you think I should— Should I maybe talk to him about it?”

If Kari was surprised at Even asking for her opinion, she hid it well.

“I’m not sure if it needs to be a conversation about his PT, really. Just… show him you’re there for him, right? You know that a stable support system plays a very important role in healing.”

“Yeah.” He never thought he’d be considered someone’s “support system”. Usually, it was him who needed help. “Yeah, you’re right. Thanks, Kari.”

“I just hope he decides to get better,” she said. “And thank you too, Even, for trying to help him. I’m glad you’re back, really.”

As she walked away, Even began to really reconsider whether she was really such a bad and annoying person. All he knew now was that he definitely needed to talk to Isak. And well, wasn’t that a terrifying thought.

**___________________________**

Isak heard a knock on his door. He glanced at the clock, noticing it was almost ten in the evening.

The knock sounded again and then the door slowly opened. Isak’s breath caught in his throat as Even appeared in the doorway.

“Hey,” Even said quietly.

Isak could only stare at him, confused, unable to say a word. Even apparently took that as a somewhat positive sign because he moved to close the door behind him and walked further into the room. He leaned against the wall and looked at Isak.

Isak could see the uncertainty in Even’s eyes, which was not something that he was used to. His eyes usually shined with confidence, determination and joy. Right then though, they seemed subdued. Isak’s initial anger dissipated quickly, replaced by worry.

“How have you been, Isak?”

He just shrugged and said, “fine”, which was actually very far from the truth but Even didn’t need to know that. It wasn’t like he actually cared.

“Yeah? So your PT has been going well then?”

Isak narrowed his eyes at him. “Have you been talking to Kari behind my back?”

“She was actually the one who approached me,” Even said. “She’s worried about you. So am I.”

Isak froze at that. He wanted to yell at Even and demand to know how he could care and still leave him with no explanation, but he also wanted to melt into a puddle at the sad and concerned expression that Even was wearing.

“Will you let me take you somewhere? And hopefully give me a chance to explain?” Even asked.

Isak felt tempted to just shove him out the door, slam the door into his face and never think about him again but he knew he wouldn’t last long without him. Without Even’s silly jokes, the sound of his laughter, the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, the way he looked when he was really focused on listening to someone speak. Isak felt like he was maybe being too naive in thinking that a conversation could change anything but he really, desperately wanted it to.

“Where are we going?”

They ended up going all the way up to the rooftop. They were slow because of Isak’s leg, since there was no elevator at the very top, but Even adjusted his pace and waited for Isak patiently, holding the door open for him.

Of course, Even brought a thick blanket which he laid out on the ground and pulled out another one to cover them with, after they had lied down.

“I could say that I come here to think,” Even said, “but I’ve only just found out about this spot from one of the nurses not too long ago and I’ve only been here once before so far, so…” he smiled softly.

“Oh, and it could have been such a cliché movie moment,” Isak immediately said back.

Even’s smile grew bigger at Isak’s light tone, now slightly more hopeful for the conversation that was still ahead of them. For now though, they settled comfortably on the blanket and looked at the stars.

“You just… disappeared,” Isak said some time later. “Why?” he had to ask. He hated his voice for almost breaking.

Even swallowed. “It’s not a pretty story, are you sure you want to hear it?”

Isak smiled lightly when hearing Even repeat the same words he had used during one of their early conversations. “I can handle it,” he said with conviction but there was also a softness to his voice, letting Even know that whatever it was, whatever he was about to tell him, it would be alright.

So Even told him. About the manic and depressive episodes that came with being bipolar and how he usually experienced them. What most commonly led him to slip into an episode and what he did to get back. How it affected his life but also what it gave him.

“What do you mean, it gave you something as well?” Isak asked, obviously confused at what Even said.

“Well, you don’t truly appreciate something until you lose it, right?” Even said back, not really sadly but more pensively. Like he really had thought about it thoroughly before.

Isak stayed quiet for a bit. “I guess I get what you’re trying to say. But don’t you still feel it’s so… unfair? That there are people who have well, relatively easy lives. Of course, they worry and they have their struggles but they are not plagued by dark thoughts all the time, their mood isn’t controlled by an illness.”

As he finished, Isak suddenly looked up at Even. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be an insensitive jerk. I don’t think you or your mood are controlled by your illness, of course I don’t.”

“Don’t worry about it, Isak. I’ve said much worse things about myself,” Even laughed humorlessly.

Isak inexplicably felt like hugging Even and never letting him go. Instead, he found Even’s hand and intertwined their fingers.

“Why did you stop your PT?” Even finally dared to ask later, when they were still lying on the blanket, still looking at the sky, their hands still joined.

“Do you sometimes feel… a sense of lack? Lack of anything?” Isak asked, wondering if it made any sense to Even.

Even looked at him and nodded. It made Isak’s heart clench painfully that Even had ever felt this way.

“Sometimes I’m just empty. Other times I feel so much. So much sadness but also anger. It doesn’t always make sense but it’s still… there. And it changes on its own, I don’t even know when or why.” Isak continued to look at him. “And I keep thinking, ‘why me?’. Sometimes it’s so much that I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle it much longer,” he whispered the last part. “And so I barely have the energy to do basic things anymore, and even the thought of doing PT feels impossibly hard.”

“Isak,” Even said softly. “You know there’s absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help, right?” He paused for a bit and just looked at Isak who, for once, didn’t drop his gaze. Isak thought he saw understanding in Even’s eyes, not pity, which he was eternally grateful for. “Believe me when I say that because I’m both on medication and in therapy,” Even smiled lightly. It wasn’t a smile meant to ridicule what he had just said but to show Isak that he could and was willing to talk about it with him, if Isak wanted to.

“I know that it’s easy to say,” Even continued, “but it’s a completely different thing to feel that you really need help and to actually take that step. It’s always going to feel a bit like… like you’re not strong enough, like maybe you could have avoided it all by just trying harder and being more resilient.”

As Even spoke, Isak started to have a hard time keeping his breathing under control. His chest suddenly started to hurt and his throat felt tight.

“But you know what?” Even held his hand out and brushed a stray curl out of Isak’s face softly and so carefully. “Maybe you could have, maybe you couldn’t have. That doesn’t mean that you have to suffer, that you have to continue like this. I know it sounds cliché but life _can_ get better and it does, it really does. You just need to let yourself be helped.”

Isak’s eyes started prickling and he knew that if he didn’t get himself under control, he would let out all of his feelings, which he didn’t even know or understand himself. And he definitely didn’t want to subject Even to all of that.

Isak shifted so he was lying on his back. He blinked a few times and tried to control his breathing as he looked at the sky above him. It was blurry because of the tears in his eyes so he closed them. He felt Even’s hand continue to brush through his hair and eventually, that was what calmed him down. His constant presence, without any pressure to say something back. With Even, he didn’t have to be brave, he didn’t have to pretend to know what he would do. He could just be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As mentioned before, my description of depression comes directly from my own experience. Of course, I realize different people experience depression in various ways, this is just one of the (many) ways it had felt for me, personally.
> 
> And of course, thank you guys so much for reading, leaving kudos and comments, and showing your support. Never in a milion years have I imagined actually writing a fic (I'm mostly a lurker lol) but it was so much fun!
> 
> I'm actually in the middle of writing a follow-up to this verse, if any of you are interested in reading it? Let me know! <3


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